busting out

I probably should have done this years ago. It is something I have always thought about doing. Actually, I have def started once or twice. So yeah…. Chances of me being able to keep up with this? Well.. its 2020 so I feel like any logic goes out the window. My IG page was deactivated (pray for restoration!!!), and honestly, of all the loss and tragedy in the world it is at most a minor inconvenience. BUT, it was the one place that I felt was truly authentically me. Yes I should have backed it up. But there were so many convos, so many things I have learned, so many pages that truly taught me things. So if you are new here, or have no clue who I am thats cool... BC after 7 months of isolation, a pandemic, and so many wake up calls to the state of the world, not just the bubble that I live in, I am in no way shape or form the same person. While my values may still be similar, there is SO much more that I care about. And so many things I truly cared about that I just can't prioritize right now. So, in trying to find the silver lining of 2020, and this (which once again was the cherry on top of a bad few months but not the end of the world), I am going to set up my platforms properly. (LETS BE REAL I KNOW BETTER I ADVISE PEOPLE ON THIS STUFF ALL DAY)

and that ... Is part of the problem. Having followers doesn't equate to friends or fans. A few years ago I made a decision that I still back completely, and SO many people who I had gone out of my way to support stopped supporting me publicly. Some were so "kind" to explain to me they loved me but politics... I already had been sick of the "high-light reel" factor of IG. My job wanted me to present myself in a certain way, and I wanted to be real. But - the harsh reality of people supporting me because of what they wanted to be associated with - (or not) impacted me more than I realized. If I say something, I mean it. Life is too short for games. That being said, I know that not everyone acts the same way. I stopped sharing anything I was proud of. I wanted to keep it to myself, for it to not be ruined by the internet. I wanted only people in my life who genuinely knew me. That being said, there is a balance to that. Because after 7 months of quarantine, I feel very alone. I know that everyone is going through stuff, and I have been going through more than I could manage or relay. I was on the ground attempting to help with the pandemic from day 1. It has effected my main industry, and thus everyone I know and care about immensely. While I am lonely, my anxiety about the virus is rooted in fact. There is too much we don't know, and if I don't have anyone to quarentine with, then I certainly don't have anyone who would take care of me when I was sick. I am watching the numbers go up, and people get more and more careless. I have a few friends who feel the same way as me, but they are in bubbles that are safe and - as much as I think I'm being safe I can't get over the fear of somehow being the factor that leads to anyone I love getting sick or hurt. LMAO so this just connected like 4 years of trauma into one paragraph that makes sense to me and shoutout ADHD tik tok for making me so aware of so many things I am working on--> this is not the full story. BUT the point I was getting to is that --> for the foreseeable future I am not going to meet people in real life. There are very few people on this planet who truly know me, and understand me. And let's be real - I expect most people to NOT understand me. And I am grateful for the few that try. If anyone is the same person they were 7 months ago, they were either WOKE AF or we are existing on very different planes.Back in the URL --> IRL days, before twitter was terrifying, I have made so many amazing friendships through the internet. And recently, via political tik tok, I maybe (?) made a friend. At least someone I can relate too on very real levels. I am in a book club focused on educating ourselves on racism and taking action. I have become so disillusioned with the words of the online community that I have, that I forgot the power of authenticity to create bonds. (Not that I am every in-authentic - I just don't care to share the details of my life to empty ears, or those looking to twist things, draw conclusions, or wait for the next opportunity they see). (Im sure someone will see this and be offended, I am generalizing and this is more a reflection of the world I put myself in, and how instead of breaking out, I just refused to participate. ANYWAYS. I'll get into the decor soon. But for months I have been having the same conversation with myself re: mental health and I will share that soon.