** I started this the day before the vice interview…does anyone else have so many thoughts at all times they wish that some robot chip could transcribe them? LIKE IF THEY ARE PUTTING A CHIP IN THE VACCINE (JK PLZ IM KIDDING… I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE… but I would take that one). But am getting back to it now - this was prompted by the “WHO ARE YOU question… and I have had …. ROLLING THOUGHTS about that….
As someone who consults people on building brands for a living, there are KEY things I think are important if you want to be an AUTHENTIC brand. Now I actually have no desire to be a brand. This started off as something silly - but then I realized how important it was not only to me, but to so many others. I realized how much shame there was around anyone besides a straight male expressing their sexuality. I began to learn how poor sex education is in most of the world. As someone who has always been very up front about my views of sexuality - (and I know I am extreme - something that as I have learned more about other peoples perspectives - there are certain topics that I need to be more “gentle about). BUT I have always seen it like this. Females - have examples of someone who has got their foot through the door. But - its not the same. In order to show people the inequality - sometimes you have to be super loud - and once people realize it wasn’t the end of the world, its easier for the next person…. And here I am getting off topic… My views on feminism/ internalized misogyny (which I discovered through this account & convos I have had will come soon).
But anyways - The past 7 months especially, I have been thinking alot about the fact that no-one truly knows who you are…everything you have been through that has shaped your knowledge, your opinions, your biases. I am not the same person I was when I started this page in 2019. So does the history matter? In reposting images (which once again ADHD AF and did not do this organized) a part of me wanted the same grid, the same order. BUT also - I had started to use this page to explore my thoughts and beliefs, express social justice. SO some of the “funny ones” dont feel right at this moment. Other pieces, are not my best skill wise - but I did them ASAP to be timely with a message. The message is important to me - but the conversation has changed. Also - when I started this - I lived for Casual sex. And I wanted to change the stigma that girls weren’t capable of that. I have been isolated for so long, that I crave intimacy - but also - on a health level - casual sex is a whole diff topic - I want to talk about this this as well!!!!) So like - I love some of my OG captions. But do they represent me today? And can I even advocate that same notion at this second…
Does it matter everything I have thought? Do you need that info? It’s a level of understanding for sure. The growth (of art, of puns).
But in this state of the world we are never going to move forward unless we accept others when they present a better version of themselves. Embrace growth, and continue to push people forward until there is no hate, no prejudice and true equality. But then with equality - should I even be pushing my voice and creations?
SO WHO AM I?
… if I am to answer who am I at this very point in time - the answer is - very lost. Or to reframe that, someone who believes in love and kindness, in doing the right thing, that putting yourself first doesnt need to HARM others, that we need to make sacrifices for the greater good, who believes in challenging stigmas in learning, in always growing, and that everyone is capable of this as well. Without knowing how someone came to their beliefs, you cant judge them, or challenge them effectively.
One one hand, I have never felt so strongly about some of my decisions. I am very invested in creating change, socially, politically. I believe in science. I have such a vision on the conversations I want to have, the people I want to be surrounded by.
On the other - I am so mad at the world for being so selfish. I have been through SO much (as has everyone). I feel like doing anything “personal” is a waste of energy, but I made a promise to myself that after the election, I would put a level of attention into my project that I have given to making so many other peoples dreams come true (that is VERY VERY hard for me… im doing my best though.
At this point in time - I want genuine connections - which can only be made through conversation and understanding. I also want people to have a reason to smile, which I know my art did for many for some amount of time.
I want to make a difference, and this platform was my voice. I want to find people that want to converse about the same topics. I want to raise awareness of what Is important. And yes, I want to make art.
Also is anyone else having trouble doing anything for themselves during this state of the world? Id love to put together an accountability/ challenge group! Or even just a zoom where we can all work “alone” but together?
I wish y’all knew me when I was fun….. but this year has put me through it. This weekend I was feeling hope for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t immediate, but… I could feel the energy becoming more positive. I manifested to wake up happy… Then I got one of the 3 worst case scenario calls. But anyways… the one thing that has been giving me true joy is the Four Seasons Landscaping Saga.
(My fake interview for those of you not on my socials --- yes i'm the queen of overdoing everything but its just so funny every time)
Why do I love the fact that this press conference was held at a landscape store next to a sex store and across from the crematorium? Because it is the most REAL thing we have seen in any of the “fake news.” Like seriously every article this year has seemed to come from a sadistic version of the onion.
But this one. This was real news. No-one called it fake news. And Fake news has not even dreamed up something so ridiculous.
But this. It is perfect. Humans interfering with nature, sexual frustration, and death. The three guarantees of current life in 2020. Poetic.
(In my mind sexual frustration is broader than just physically, but the pause of natural intimate relationships, rights for the LQBTQ+ community etc)
Now this is America.
I guess its a good thing Team T didnt do this prior (we love to see the support of small businesses but - as you can tell I am very anti Trump and that would have humanized him too well)
What have we learned in 2020 (okay way more than I can fit in one post..) more than humans effect on nature is detrimental not only to plants and animals, but human survival as well. And of course, who could forget DT’s proclamation of “California just needs to clean their forests.” No shade the the landscaping business, which I am sure does its part to keep plants healthy, but the parallels here are unmatched. (Insert combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell * you will only understand this if you are on tik tok* here).
Across the street, is fantasy island bookstore. Obviously Im pro sex toys. Im pro sex work. And due to isolation from covid, all we (single people) have is the fantasies of one day being able to get intimate with someone other than ourselves.
And (ESP in light of everything going on in the world) we need to NORMALIZE sexuality. unintentionally, this is the whole point of my project. (The fact that art on a dildo could have over 5000 shares (most did), is wild. Not because (biased) the art and the puns are top notch, but because it was truly that shocking to people. While I know that is a bit out there, the conversations I had surrounding the topic have been eye opening. The reactions made me think about sexuality, stigma, shame, and feminism in a way i had never before.
It made me wonder why people were SO shocked to see art on a Dildo. After all, ancient art was not shy of displaying unclothed male genetalia. And today, what is considered a “female body” is objectified across art, media, advertising. It is so normalized. It is cool to admire a female body. By both males and females alike.
Yet a dildo is SO shocking??
There is so much shame placed on females for expressing their sexuality (yall may have been around for the cuties convo on my old page I guess this post is literally just setting myself up for other posts). Yet, most females are never taught that masturbation is normal, how to do it. And instead of being taught, they are shamed when it is discussed in the wrong setting. There is alot we need to change about America and education, and how we equate to females and sexuality is one of those things.
Knowledge is power- and the lack of accurate & educational material is mindblowing. (So like lmk which one of these statements you want me to elaborate on first? IVE BEEN QUARENTINED FOR 8 months- I have alot of thoughts...)
So anyways this started off with the fact that the one thing bringing me true joy is how poeDIC the four seasons total landscaping situation is. Also I love that it brought biz to a local, family owned sex shop!!! and also alot of other themes that I want to dive into - def lmk if there is more you want to know about!!!
Did you know the effect that isolation can have on humans? As someone who has been pretty isolated... googling this at 3 am was probably a bad choice. I wanted to know if it was just me going insane or if there was proof... it turns out there are a ton of studies, even before the pandemic. (also briefly touched upon in Paris Hilton Documentary) If you are still very much isolated, I wont list them... but if you want to learn more .. heres an article and ofc there is my favorite thing of all time.. GOOGLE.
I honestly wrote this post for 3 days and somehow accidentally deleted it.. so forgive the lack of eloquence. But we are 8 months into this pandemic, and I really would like to see everybody stop being such Pandemd*cks. BUT while life has changed for (almost) everyone, everyone is in a unique experience and has a unique perspective. Everyone copes differently. This is coming from my perspective, and there are very few people I know in the same boat who share the same sentiment. I am not writing this for sympathy. But as someone who always tries really hard to understand where others are coming from... I also know sometimes you can't truly get it until you go through it. OR it is really laid out for you... if anyone reads this, I hope it can change their perspective or help them be there for someone who is struggling. (or hi maybe we can be friends) We all have so much to deal with... but lemme take you through the mind of someone who has been alone... and what it feels like (I promise the conclusion is less ME)
(background) I live alone, and I work(ed?) in music. The day ultra was cancelled I knew life was never going to be the same. And - as someone who works with crowds and artists, and who has also watched every medical show (there is always a new coronavirus plot), I thought who better qualified to help than people who work with artists. Everything is impossible, and emergency, yet you always find a solution. And in the beginning I hit the ground running, with hope that we could do better than the countries hit before us. I was communicating with the FDA, the CDC, the red cross, heads of ERS, and as a result, knew way too much about the virus. My anxiety (though valid) was definitely higher than others I knew. I was in a place of realism, and with everyone I know, love, and care about (my circle mostly exists in the live touring space) having their lives flipped upside down, I couldn't take this lightly. In the beginning we were "all in this together". Everyone was on facetime, checking in. As reality set in that this was going to be more than 2 weeks, people started to expand their bubbles slightly. I didn't have one. At first, it was okay. I had more than enough stress with extra work and less pay, and really, I just saw so much help that was needed.
(TW- briefly mentions the protests)
Then the protests broke out... and my eyes were opened even further. While I have struggled with capitalism for a while (another day)... I didnt realize how much of this was rooted in racial opression. (and I straight up pulled up old school assignments, re-took AP tests - our education system is an abomination but so is everything...anyways... back to the topic. As those calmed down. our original charitable outreach had to shift as programs opened up and it was no longer as controlled to bring supplies to the streets..(and we could mail to shelters). I started to strictly quarantine. My dad is sick and I knew that I would never forgive myself if I was not able to get back home. AND I wanted to be in a place where someone could trust me to meet up. BUT every concrete plan I had fell through (understandable). Logistics kept changing with my family - out of my control - and there was a point where I did not leave my house for 60 days. If I didn't reach out to people, I didn't hear from people. And everyone who said they would call didn't. (totally understandable) but it gets to a point where it feels healthier to not reach out, to endure that rejection. (While its not intentional, when you are alone with your thoughts in one space for 7 months... everything has a warped perspective). Eventually I drove across the country and back...after the hardest 6 months of my life... all I wanted to do was be with humans. And I asked for help. I am completely understanding that everyone is going through stuff. And knowing that someone has been through it is alot to "handle." But to be there for someone who has been alone does not mean you need to take on their problems...
Those of us who have been in this alone (there are a very few people I know in this spot, though geographically it is not logistically possible for us to meet up), and we have shared similar sentiments.
We have spent 7 months following the rules. But at a certain point of course, it is no longer sustainable to live like this. We are scared that everyone has created this "new normal" bubble of peace. We don't want to disrupt it, and the last thing that we want to do is be the factor that brings covid or stress around. But we have not seen people. We have not done things and gotten adjusted to the fact that certain activities are very low risk. We want to be able to go and do things normally but - human contact is now something foreign to us. I have had very limited contact with people. a few one hour meet ups - and to be honest - I AM WEIRD. I AM TOO MUCH. AND THATS WEIRD AF FOR SOMEONE WHO IS USED TO BEING SOCIAL BUT ITS A STRANGE CULTURE SHOCK TO BE AROUND HUMANS. IN A OMG I NEEDED THIS OVERDRIVE AH IM SAYING TOO MUCH BUT IDK SOS And while we don't expect anyone to adopt us for two weeks. The one hour omg I totally fucked up everything and was annoying + the 14 days of anxiety (incubation period) + the craving to be with humans again that isn't possible... it is alot.
We have not had a roommate go to work, or go to the grocery store, or go to dinners, and gotten past the fact that those essential activities are okay, this is safe. Yes we see people doing it but we also see people getting sick. We see the numbers going up, so are hesitant to go out now. I have not to the grocery store in case I can see someone. I don't want to accidentally expose someone. Half the internet is living with no worries. Yet I have a panic attack at the post office (and hear someone else say omg this is the most people ive been around im freaking out... which is so reassuring shoutout stranger im sorry you felt that way)
We know this Isn't completely rational... but at the same time... if we have been alone this long...and we have to beg to be included... and then go back to days of no contact --> is it worth our life? We know we will be on our own if we are sick. Part of us doesn't care, but the other part of anxiety is ... will this really be worth something that can impact me for the rest of my life? To be with, and know that you matter to the people you are seeing.. .probably is....
Ways to be there for your friends that are Isolated -- that do not Involve adopting them for 14 days
ALSO - We have cancelled "How are you?" But we haven't replaced it. On work calls, and a few social calls, I have had this conversation many times. Everyone talks about the 2020 bingo card. BUT the amount of times I have said (half to avoid the question, and half bc its true) "we all need a card that explains all of our trauma so we don't have to repeat it 1000 times and also everyone knows where we are at and what is triggering. So F it. I made it. If you don't need it thats great. But if you want to support someone you are not close with, don't know how to reach out after a long time. Here's your hall pass and your wildcard
Anyways this was written WAY better but I hope this helps someone... and also not trying to harp on all this again. Note to self- copy and paste before trying to format images
I probably should have done this years ago. It is something I have always thought about doing. Actually, I have def started once or twice. So yeah…. Chances of me being able to keep up with this? Well.. its 2020 so I feel like any logic goes out the window. My IG page was deactivated (pray for restoration!!!), and honestly, of all the loss and tragedy in the world it is at most a minor inconvenience. BUT, it was the one place that I felt was truly authentically me. Yes I should have backed it up. But there were so many convos, so many things I have learned, so many pages that truly taught me things. So if you are new here, or have no clue who I am thats cool... BC after 7 months of isolation, a pandemic, and so many wake up calls to the state of the world, not just the bubble that I live in, I am in no way shape or form the same person. While my values may still be similar, there is SO much more that I care about. And so many things I truly cared about that I just can't prioritize right now. So, in trying to find the silver lining of 2020, and this (which once again was the cherry on top of a bad few months but not the end of the world), I am going to set up my platforms properly. (LETS BE REAL I KNOW BETTER I ADVISE PEOPLE ON THIS STUFF ALL DAY)
and that ... Is part of the problem. Having followers doesn't equate to friends or fans. A few years ago I made a decision that I still back completely, and SO many people who I had gone out of my way to support stopped supporting me publicly. Some were so "kind" to explain to me they loved me but politics... I already had been sick of the "high-light reel" factor of IG. My job wanted me to present myself in a certain way, and I wanted to be real. But - the harsh reality of people supporting me because of what they wanted to be associated with - (or not) impacted me more than I realized. If I say something, I mean it. Life is too short for games. That being said, I know that not everyone acts the same way. I stopped sharing anything I was proud of. I wanted to keep it to myself, for it to not be ruined by the internet. I wanted only people in my life who genuinely knew me. That being said, there is a balance to that. Because after 7 months of quarantine, I feel very alone. I know that everyone is going through stuff, and I have been going through more than I could manage or relay. I was on the ground attempting to help with the pandemic from day 1. It has effected my main industry, and thus everyone I know and care about immensely. While I am lonely, my anxiety about the virus is rooted in fact. There is too much we don't know, and if I don't have anyone to quarentine with, then I certainly don't have anyone who would take care of me when I was sick. I am watching the numbers go up, and people get more and more careless. I have a few friends who feel the same way as me, but they are in bubbles that are safe and - as much as I think I'm being safe I can't get over the fear of somehow being the factor that leads to anyone I love getting sick or hurt. LMAO so this just connected like 4 years of trauma into one paragraph that makes sense to me and shoutout ADHD tik tok for making me so aware of so many things I am working on--> this is not the full story. BUT the point I was getting to is that --> for the foreseeable future I am not going to meet people in real life. There are very few people on this planet who truly know me, and understand me. And let's be real - I expect most people to NOT understand me. And I am grateful for the few that try. If anyone is the same person they were 7 months ago, they were either WOKE AF or we are existing on very different planes.Back in the URL --> IRL days, before twitter was terrifying, I have made so many amazing friendships through the internet. And recently, via political tik tok, I maybe (?) made a friend. At least someone I can relate too on very real levels. I am in a book club focused on educating ourselves on racism and taking action. I have become so disillusioned with the words of the online community that I have, that I forgot the power of authenticity to create bonds. (Not that I am every in-authentic - I just don't care to share the details of my life to empty ears, or those looking to twist things, draw conclusions, or wait for the next opportunity they see). (Im sure someone will see this and be offended, I am generalizing and this is more a reflection of the world I put myself in, and how instead of breaking out, I just refused to participate. ANYWAYS. I'll get into the decor soon. But for months I have been having the same conversation with myself re: mental health and I will share that soon.